Have You Ever Just Wanted to Start Over?

Ever wonder what your life would be like if you could go back to say your high school days yet retain the knowledge you’ve accumulated to date? How would your life be different? What mistakes would you try to correct? What relationships would you keep, and what ones would you drop? This is a game I’m sure we’ve all played at sometime in our lives, which is why movies like “Mr. Destiny” and “17 Again” are popular.

Sometimes such thinking can be a fun diversion such as in the case of watching these movies. We chuckle at the fantasy and remind ourselves that even if we could start over again with the advantage of accumulated wisdom, we would probably just make a whole new set of mistakes.

On the other hand sometimes thinking about our past can cause unnecessary grief. Thinking about the past and the mistakes we’ve made can stir a real monster. Its name? Regret. We’ve all faced it to one degree or another. We’ve all tasted the bitterness of it’s fruit; especially when we think about the mistakes that can’t be undone. Regret haunts. It paralyzes. It sucks us dry of all joy and leaves the soul empty and vapid. Regret is an effective spirit killer.

The exciting thing to know is that we don’t have to be a victim of regret’s poison. We can actually benefit from it and use it to lead us to truly deep and wise living. Here’s how:

Acknowledge the mistake made and the poor result that came from it, but walk away from the guilt.

One of the major things regret does is that it overwhelms us with guilt. We see only the mistake and it’s results. Acknowledging a bad decision or inappropriate action is one thing, sitting down in it’s filth is a whole different ball game. Guilt is a useless emotion that steals energy and interferes with effort. Acknowledgment allows us to admit our mistake but doesn’t get in the way of the next step that’s needed.

If you can change things and it will be valuable to do so, then do so.

Not all bad decisions result in irreparable situations. Most of the time we can change our results by changing our actions. We can make new decisions that will lead to different and better results. We can make restitution for past wrongs. We can seek to heal broken relationships. This should be done if two conditions can be met. First, it must be possible and second it must be valuable to all parties involved. If both conditions are met, then to pursue the “fix” will be an excellent way to shut the mouth of the guilty conscience.

It’s important to undertake these changes only if it is valuable to do so. This requires that we think long and hard about the effects of our new actions. It requires that we step outside of our own sense of guilt and take action based on a standard that isn’t perverted by the regret we feel. If there is no value to be gained by the new choices, then it is best to simply “close the case” and move on.

Always strive to learn from your mistake and move forward.

Instead of focusing on the negative results that generates our regret, it is far more productive to focus on what caused the mistake in the first place. It might have been pressure to make the decision quickly. It might have been ignorance of other more valuable options. It might have been allowing ourselves to get involved with the situation in the first place. By identifying the cause of our bad decision, we create a tool that can help us avoid making a similar choice in the future.

This requires that we learn to think instead of emote. This is why we need to walk away from guilt. Guilt makes our thinking process foggy. It blocks clarity and traps us in the realm of emotionalism when rational examination and acute thinking are necessary. In some cases it might be necessary to discuss your regret with a disinterested third party, who can help you move beyond it and set a proper course of action. Regardless, your goal must always be to learn and take new actions based upon the lessons learned.

Don’t try to be perfect, try to be effective and valuable.

Finally, perfection is not the target. Effectiveness and value is. Face it. We’re human. Humans are always bound by limited knowledge and insight. We are always going to make mistakes. Perfection isn’t in the books for us. It just isn’t. Effectiveness, however, can be. Adding value to the world around us is something with in all our reach. A serious commitment to take effective action and to add as much value as we can to our relationships is the essence of peaceful and wise living.

Regret can either be a soul destroying monster, or it can be a soul evolving teacher, it depends on how we respond to it. Responding to regret positively as listed above will allow us to benefit from our mistakes rather than being swallowed up by them.

How about you? Do you ever wish you could start over? Leave a comment and let me know how you deal with regret.

Picture by flicker user Sister72 under Creative Commons License. Use of this picture does not constitute and endorsement by Sister72 of the ideas in this post.

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